What is a submissive? What a sub does, wants and keeps

In kink, a submissive, usually shortened to sub, is the person who hands authority to a dominant partner. The word names a role, not a personality: it describes what someone wants and does inside an agreed dynamic, just as dominant describes the other side. A submissive can be of any gender in any kind of relationship, though on this site the dominant is always a woman and the submissive is usually a man.

Two things are always true of a submissive. He chooses the role, and he chooses who he plays it with, how far and for how long. And what he gives is conditional: it holds inside limits he has stated, and he can take it back the moment he wants it. Someone who cannot refuse and cannot leave is in a different situation altogether, whatever he is called.

In practice a submissive does a handful of ordinary things, and does them on purpose. He follows rules he has agreed to, asks permission where the rules say to, serves in the ways the dynamic includes, reports honestly, accepts correction without sulking and tells his dominant the truth about his limits. The honesty matters more than the obedience, because a dominant can only lead well from accurate information.

What he wants varies, but a few wishes come up again and again: to be directed, to be of use, to be noticed by someone whose attention he values, and to put down the work of deciding for a while. Submissives often describe the result as relief or focus; that is a description of experience, not a claim about health, and it does not hold for everyone.

Most people recognise themselves in one or two of these. The male submission guide helps a man work out which are his, and each kind has a page of its own here:

• Service: being useful to Her through chores, errands and small acts of care, as in domestic servitude.
• Obedience: keeping rules, positions and protocol because they are Hers, the core of slave training.
• Devotion: adoring Her through praise, ritual and attention, which is the territory of goddess worship.
• Masochism: finding pain or intense sensation arousing within agreed limits; online it is something he does to himself on Her instruction, and it stops at sharp pain, numbness or any doubt. The sadism and masochism guide explains the roles.
• Findom: giving money because the giving is the submission, always within a budget fixed beforehand; the findom guide explains how it works.

Several ideas about submissives sound plausible and fall apart on contact with a real dynamic:

• Submissives are weak. Yielding is a choice made by someone who could do otherwise, and it is made again every time he stays.
• Submissives have no opinions. The good ones are the dominant's best source of honest information, and they say when something is wrong.
• Submissives have no limits. Limits come first, and submission happens inside them.
• Submissives are passive. Service, reports and tasks are work, and a submissive in a live dynamic usually has plenty to do.

Many submissive men live with a partner, and in daily life the role is quieter than the fantasy suggests. It might mean asking before making plans, taking on tasks his partner sets, deferring on certain decisions or keeping a few agreed rituals. The rest of the relationship runs between equals, and the dominance applies only where both people chose it. The female-led relationship guide sets out how couples arrange that.

A partner who does not lead by nature can be invited but not pressed: a woman has to want to lead, and her consent counts as much as his. The femdom for couples guide looks at bringing a partner in gently.

A submissive keeps hold of the dynamic by controlling its terms. He decides who he submits to, so he reads Her profile and watches Her room first. He decides how far, by writing down his limits on the yes, no, maybe list, and how long, by fixing a session length and a budget before he begins.

He also keeps a way to stop. Wherever She can hear him he agrees a safeword; in a one-way private his stop is closing the session, which is always his right and needs no reason. Afterwards he gives himself time to come down, because intense submission can leave a low behind, and the aftercare guide shows how. If stopping ever feels frightening, that is itself the reason to stop and talk to someone he trusts.

Online, submission is practised through what you do rather than what She does to you. She cannot reach you, so Her authority arrives as instructions, rules, tasks and standards. You can enter most public rooms for free, and a line typed into the room's chat reaches Her there. Messages to Her carry text only, with no photos, video or files, so reports are written, and a good one is specific.

A private with one of our own Mistresses sends nothing from you to Her: no camera, no microphone, no chat box. She never sees, hears or answers you, so what She needs to know has to be said beforehand, including what you want and what you refuse. Only in a LiveJasmin partner room marked ↗ can a Mistress watch you, and there it is an add-on, cam2cam, bought in credits on that site. For rates, etiquette and what a first private involves, see the online Mistress page.