Questions to ask a submissive, from first chat to check-in

A dynamic that begins with a list of limits begins safely, and one that begins with a list of fantasies begins by hoping. Questions give a dominant person what instinct cannot: the edges of what is safe, the reasons behind a request and the things that would spoil an evening. If you are the submissive, read each list below as questions to answer in advance; if you are asking your partner rather than a Mistress, the same questions work, and femdom for couples covers how to raise the subject.

Order matters. Start with consent and limits, move on to what is wanted, and only then ask about history and feelings, since a question about a fantasy asked before the limits are known puts the answer under pressure to impress.

A few habits keep a list of questions kind instead of clinical:

• Ask one question at a time, and wait for the whole answer before you ask the next.
• Ask outside a scene, when nobody is aroused or in role, because arousal makes almost everything sound like a yes.
• Accept any answer. A refusal, a pause and "I would rather not say" are all complete answers, and none is argued with.
• Never use an answer as leverage. What a submissive tells you about his limits, history or feelings is for planning scenes and for nothing else.
• Keep identity out of it. Nobody needs a surname, an address or an employer to ask these questions, so none are asked or given.

Ask these first, in writing if you are online, and write the answers down. The BDSM limits list gives a submissive a way to prepare them.

• Which activities are hard limits, so that they never happen, whatever mood either of us is in?
• Which are soft limits, worth approaching only slowly and only if you ask?
• What word or action stops everything at once, and what happens after you use it?
• Is there language, a topic or a name you never want to hear, even as a joke?
• Which of your answers should we revisit on a set date, and who raises it?
• How will you tell me that you are pausing, and how should I tell you?

With limits settled, ask what is wanted. Questions that start from what a person feels, rather than from what he wants done, often draw more honest answers.

• What do you picture when you imagine being told what to do?
• Which feeling are you after: being useful, being teased, being praised, being owned or something else?
• Is there something you have wanted for a long time and never asked for?
• How strict, how playful and how sensual would you like me to be?
• Would you want any humiliation, and if so, which words and subjects are welcome?

Experience tells you how much to explain and how fast to go. Ask lightly, and let the answer be short.

• What have you tried before, and what did you enjoy about it?
• Has anything you tried gone badly, and what would you want done differently?
• Have you served anyone before, in a relationship or online, and how did that end?
• What do you already know about protocol, rules and tasks, and what would you like me to teach you?
• How much time and money can you give this comfortably, without touching anything that matters more?

These are the questions that help prevent harm. A trigger here means a word, topic or situation that brings back something painful, and nobody has to explain one. If an answer sounds like an old wound, listen, say thank you and steer clear; neither of you is a counsellor, and a kink-aware professional is the right person for anything deeper.

• Are there words, topics or situations that bring back something painful, so that I can keep away from them?
• Is there anything about your body or health that changes what is safe for you? One sentence is plenty.
• What do you need after an intense scene: quiet, water, praise, a message or time alone?
• How have you felt in the day or two after a heavy scene before?
• Who could you talk to if you felt low afterwards?
• What would tell you that we should slow down, or stop for a while?

Ask these a few hours later, or the next day, and never in the middle of the scene. They turn one session into information for the next.

• What was the best moment, and what made it work?
• Was there a moment when you wanted to stop or slow down, even slightly?
• How did you feel an hour afterwards, in your body and in your head?
• Did anything go further than you expected, in either direction?
• What would you like more of next time, and what would you like less of?

A check-in is a short, scheduled conversation held outside any scene, weekly at first and monthly once the dynamic settles. Keep the same few questions each time, so that changes show up:

• Which part of the week did you look forward to most, and which did you dread?
• Which rule came easily, and which one kept slipping?
• Is anything in your life crowding out the dynamic at the moment?
• Should a rule be kept as it is, rewritten or retired?
• Is the budget we agreed still comfortable?

The list works in both directions. A submissive who asks sensible questions before a first private shows that he takes the dynamic seriously, and a good Mistress will be glad to answer them in a message or in the notes on Her profile.

• How would You like to be addressed, in messages and in Your room?
• What are Your own limits, and is there anything You never do?
• What should I send You before a first private, and how long should it be?
• How often would You like reports, and in what form?
• What should I do if I need to stop partway through a private, since I cannot tell You?
• Do You expect a tribute, or is it entirely optional?

Online, a check-in is a short written exchange on a day you both know. Send the same three or four questions each time, answer in a few lines and keep the tone plain: this is a conversation between two people stepping out of role, not a performance. Messages to a Mistress carry text only, so no photos or recordings can be attached. The BDSM negotiation guide covers the wider conversation, and dominance and submission explains the dynamic these questions protect.

With one of our own Mistresses, remember how a private works: it is one-way, with your camera and microphone off and no chat box, so She cannot hear a question or read an answer while it runs. Ask before it starts and write your thoughts down afterwards; whether and when She replies is Hers to decide. In Her public room, most of which are free to enter, a typed message does reach Her, but everyone else watching reads it too, so keep check-ins out of the open chat. Cam2cam, where She sees you, exists only in LiveJasmin partner rooms marked ↗, as a paid extra bought in credits on that site.